Feeling blue when I miss you.

Time:12.42am
Wednesday 230305

I sit here in the living room of a family we have just known. For as long as we have known them, they have been a very nice, modest family of three. With a dominant father, a confident and determined patriarchal figure ruling this four-room HDB flat, we have came across a friendly and hearty mother with an innocent yet intelligent young daughter. They have been a joy amongst the lot. Their presence, we are grateful for.

Dear Sayang, as you scramble through the piles of work in the room not far away from where I am, my thoughts run wild with many thoughts about our relationship. I am indeed a man who thinks too much. It is fatal at times and I always scold myself for doing so. It’s frustrating why I am like that and I always would try to change it especially if the thoughts are deemed unnecessary. Nonetheless, I admit my stubbornness. I always live on “change need time” but even so, essential change needs immediate consideration.

Love is difficult to explain and I have been repressing much of my love thoughts these days so that you will not get irritated. I am furious with myself when you scold me for being too touchy. I am sorry yet I cannot help. Physical affection is essential yet I learn to control.

At this period of time, you are focusing a lot on the paper works of our business venture. I guess this is what that satisfy your hunger for mind stimulation. Your sector for me, I guess have been fulfilled for the time being. Remember in the early days of our relationship whilst walking home? The beakers of life? Hmm I hope you do. It’s really alright and I fully understand what you are doing.

This is a test for me. A test of my love for you. Sometimes, men ask too much from women. They yearn for affection and attention too and always at the wrong time huh? Hehe. It’s all about timing and playing with time isn’t easy. Patience becomes a priceless virtue. How beautiful life can be.

For now, I have missed my room. My room that has become OUR room. The room where I dedicate to the both of us as we spend almost every night together through thick, thin, sharp and fat. Hahaha. Do not worry, that is not an issue. You secretly know it is difficult for me and I bet you see that I’m sacrificing myself for you. I’m in for it. It’s really okay, baby.
I take my life one time at a step. I’m rushing on some things though because it has given me much joy. I shall practice patience always. I celebrate that thought.

For as long as time has been since I met you, you are the “woman” in my life that had alerted me again and brought love back to my senses. I almost gave up really after my last attempt. You know about it and I’ve put so mucb of myself into it. I have learnt many things about relationship and one is to take things slowly. Yet I make mistakes. How stupid.

Between you, my love, and me, it is difficult not to think about you as I miss you so much that it hurts. I wonder why…but just that I treasure you and your heart so much and I bet, will treasure it more as time drifts by. Not being able to see you will drown me in sorrows but it depends on the situation because I have to understand too.

Here you come again, running to the file on my feet to get more pieces of paper. You’re working hard. Working hard for good. You have ingeniously sly in getting the things that you want. The attention, the affection and the respect from anyone everywhere but only with good intentions. I know I can’t give you everything and anything yet only small words of love, care and concern. I can be a great company for you to see the world in a different light. I will be the shoulder for you to cry on and showcase your true and real emotions. I am the one whom you will care an extra bit more for and I am thankful.

Growing old together can be difficult and I’m not asking much from you my baby. I want to see you happy with me in a nice cosy home watching a romantic foreign movie. I want our mothers to be contented in their lives. I want us to do charity and be nice to everyone. In conclusion, I want to be your husband. Sayang, I love you.

Rest Well,
Ewan Tsuyoshi
Kisses goodnight.

On the Way Back Home

210305
2145hours

I’m typing this blog whilst on the bus ride home using the newly bought laptop. This gadget can really do wonders, Sayang and I’m sure you’re fully aware about that. How redundant I can be!
I see through your eyes and I could probably feel how sad you are feeling inside. I tried asking a few times but you said everything was fine and you weren’t thinking about anything. Let me refresh you a bit of where we exactly are.

We’re on bus 961 on the way back from our office. We just had dinner with Salem at Al-Azhar and only a few minutes ago, you’ve just received the endless SMS messages from Mummy. Mummy referring to Aunty Yanty. Now as I’ve taken out the notebook from my bag and typing away. You’re already drowning in a deep nap. We’re unfortunately not sitting beside each other. I am feeling bored and bothered about something. Something I’m not really sure what.
I think I’m getting pretty worried about you darling. You seem to be sardine-packed with so many matters in your mind and I’m not sure how you’re going to find solutions for them. Maybe when the time is right, you will tell me everything and I apologize for my impatience over this situation.

I turn my head to the right and looked at you, head tilted to your left shoulders, folded knees leaning on the seat in front. You hugged the Hugo red bag and clenched tightly to your favourite Nokia phone. Correct me if I’m wrong but it seem to me that you are trying to forget about everything whilst you enjoy the short deep nap. In the corners of my right eye as I type this, I threw glances at your torso and felt a certain tightness in my mouth. My head felt heavy and I yearn to see you smile. I’ve been missing you all day.

At the forefront of our thoughts, we are very much aware that work has been sneaking behind our backs. They seem to pile and if not properly organized, settles in an ugly mess. I took a deep breath and swallowed a pinch of my saliva. Life’s full of challenges I guess and times had been difficult.

Personally I hope you will be stay optimistic about things as I will always remain positive that things will go well. No matter what, you have been by my side always. I am more than grateful for that.

The person beside you have gotten off. Your head need some support as you tilt to the empty seat My shoulders are just perfect, I thought. We’re reaching home too. I better stop now. You’ll hate to see me typing this as our destinations just a stone’s throw away. I love you baby.

Sigh,
Ewan Tsuyoshi

The Idea of I,You and We

Whilst talking casually to a good friend, a working colleague after a meeting, our conversation began to swim into more personal matters. We started sharing a bit about our personal love relationships and listened to one another's whims on their partner or in my friend's case, her ex-partner.

We came upon this idea or I, You and We and this is one of the topoics that couples in relationships will always clash upon. I believe Sayang, as we progress into our relationship, it makes much sense that we face the reality of such prone-to-be-a-dilemma situation clearly now and for all.

In the beginnings of relationship, the idea of a union is very appealing. We sought after being referred to our personal possessions to the word 'us' or we. We try to be one and move through our lives as One. Without realising it, it can pose as a problem as we began to lose our personal identity as a person and that is definitely bad.

Our personal identity makes each of us what we are and it is the difference in ourselves that makes both of appreaciate one another better. To love somebody is really not an easy job especially as we settle upon the differences that leads to big argument and sometime brutal verbal and physical fights.

Dear Sayang, as much as I always initiated the Us and We note, you have always noted the idea of personal space and it is from now on that i guess we shall exercise such a brilliant suggestions. I do not want you and me to lose ourselves deeply in this relationship and forget of all inspirations, desires, needs and wants. And as much as both of us treasure this beautiful relationship, we will keep as one and work through the validity of the terms you, Me and Us or You, I and We...whichever is applicable.

Darling, I'm sorry. I'm such a freaking foolish bastard and I know I have to grow up. I have had experiences but I will change bad things for good. For you and for me and the entire human race! (quote: heal the world, Michael Jackson)

I love always,
ewan tsuyoshi
wink wink

My First Entry

Dear Sayang,

....silence.......

My past attempts on the blog has always been halfway and not complete. I have many other blogs and there are not very updated. I haven't got the time to contribute faithfully to the blogs. How disappointing! :(

Nonetheless, eversince I met you, I always saw the need to start up a journal. I usually pen them down in a book but writing just takes up so much effort so i guess, a blog is a brilliant alternative.

It's very difficult to make you understand why there is really a need to own a journal. You know how much i love to write. I can write endlessly about everything and anything under this bright blue skies. When I speak, I can get pretty talkative at time. So I will write.

This blog serves as a journal for me to pen whatever thoughts or messages I have for you and me and us. I love the word 'us' as it suggest a union of some sorts. A union of 2 people from 2 different worlds.

Not that our worlds differ that much but basically, we both have had our share of experiences in life and it is in this relationship that we learn from each other. It can get pretty tiring and boring but I have noted how patient both of us has been through the mess that we've brought to ourselves.

In this short period of time, where our relationship as husband and wife, boyfriend to "girlfriend", abang and sayang, yang and baby, I am ready to admit that you have stolen my heart and I am totaly washed away by your beautiful character and attractive persona.

You're almost my ideal person. You've been more than I've expected and I can really feel and appreciate this love that you have selflessly endowed onto me. You are such a sunshine to my life, awakening every single senses and emotions. You challenged me through the simplest mistakes to becoming the person I've always wanted to be.

Arguing with you hasn't been that easy for me. You know how much I hate to fight either verbally or physically. Thanks to my gentle nature, i always refrain from the latter. I admit I'm quite a crybaby and that isn't very nice heh. I will make time to improve on that but I'm a total SNAG at times. Unfortunately, I come off as arrogant when I become tactful. Sigh.

For this long entry, I don't really have much more to say. You can see how long-winded and literary i can be. And so I will end it here.

But before i end it all off, I would like to speak of my love for you as person and of what you are. I am ready to be your pillar in times of need and be with you whenever you need me. I will in turn improve myself and be better in whole. I want to grow old with you and do good works together. I don't care what people say but I will take care of you and stick to this caring person who loves me unconditionally.

I never thought I could love you like this.
I never knew you were so sweet and succeed;
to steal my heart and to never let it go.
My love for you,it's more than just a dream come true.

With Love,
Ewan Tsuyoshi
180305
1227hours