PROBLEMATIKA!

DEAR DIARY

After the brawl we've had yesterday, i feel pretty sad and down really. I was at the juncture of going mad, all emotional and totally affected by fight that we had. I am upset with myself for not being able to control myself very well especially when such mishaps happened. For one thing i am sure that when i say I LOVE YOU to someone, i really mean it and when bad things happen between us i guess i'll be totally affected. That for sure is unfortunately saddening.

It is hard to explain when you really love someone. I feel that the love for someone is a progressive one and it takes time for it to prove its worth. Unfortunately sometimes it's our impatience that kills it all. Truely so, i always hate myself for being too fast into diving into love.

ah ah ah yah...phew..i'm having a freaking headache and i'm good at typing so much nonsense..
writing in diaries, jounrals blogs and whatever else. I can write crap non stop. about my feelings, my thoughts, doodling, poems, lyrics, new ideas, concepts, plans, dreams...everything man..

oh well i think i need to be love very badly. I can be independent for sure but i will go ever crazy and resort all sorts of nonsense.. I will be dangerous which is cool and also i'll be funky. i guess the earthy side of me is pulling myself down to the ground and i seeek for a partner who would love me unconditionally.

I love KJ. oh yes i can't say he's my wife. he finds it insulting eh so he's my baby. my partner.
so far so, he's been very good to me. He's my sweet sugar pie darling but ever recently we'v ebeen fighting quite a bit and that irks me like hell eh... i just want it peaceful. just so idealistic of me i guess..

i'm an idealist. I want all things good and when hell happens, i get totally upset. HOw pathetic...
i'm frustrated with life. It's just so difficult to live at times and i'm sure i'll laugh at all these when i read it again the next time. UNfortunately Ewan, this is how you feel at that point of time, siting alone with your laptop with a cup lemon lime juice. Oh god, lemon lime, you don't even like that drink but you're just drinkin it because people say that that lemon is good for losing weight. People? Do you always have to listen to people? the answer NO!!!! that's shithead my friend..
you shouldn't be like that man. I thought you said that you're independent and am strong but you all this while you've been trying too hard to listen to the ideals of people.

Now now, you halt here my friend and think about it. I gues you;re tired. The army have drained you and somewhat affected you mildly. YOu need freedom, you need creativity and you are undeniable smart. very smart actually and accept it. but so many things ahve affected you in life that you are just a bit shitty now. Freaking hopelessly shitty man...
come on, you go rest. stop fighting. don't be upset about your love life. Your baby loves you and he only wants to change you for the better but you are freaking stubborn. So stop it...heed his advices..and things will be better okie...

okie listen later you're gonna meet him right and i want you to be calm. Don't look tired or sad just cheer up and make him laugh. ask him about how the wedding is and try to see things in his point of view. That will make him happy. For all you should know, the other thing that you need to do is sleep and watch your dvds..okie that should make you happy for a moment then you will realise that you need to get into more action. Now your classes. Try planning early and get the groundwork ready ok. It'll help.
YOu can be busy really with the good kind of work that you wish for.
So let that happen. stop the fighting and frustration. you are a happy person and keep kj happy too okie. Love your baby, love him more than ever. Love him more than anyone in the world, Show him you care and you really do.
Talk less okie...

okie gotta go.....your fingers are tired and you need to surf for more stuff and energize your brains.
seriously go take up the dance courses...